That Perfect Moment

What happens before a thought?

Is there an instance of space that opens? Before we fill it with a cognition? Before we decide what this moment means? Before the notion of “me” arises again? Maybe in this perfect moment of open space anything and everything is possible.

I wonder whether the birth of a thought is analogous to the birth of the universe. What happened in that impossible moment preceding the Big Bang? Was there a perfect stillness before everything burst into being? Or is that simply another story our minds tell because we cannot imagine beginnings without a “before”?

And is it even possible to reduce our thinking to a singular thought, or reduce the birth of our universe to a singular event. Neither is likely true. Thoughts arise in astonishing succession, perhaps even simultaneously, from different regions of our mind. We notice one. We cling to one. Or perhaps, one chooses us and carries us away into its narrative.

Maybe the universe is no different. Perhaps there are countless beginnings happening all the time. Countless worlds appearing and disappearing, all interacting.

We act as though what we are thinking has always been here and will always remain. Once a thought captures our attention, it suddenly feels solid. Real. Obvious. We stop seeing it as an event occurring in consciousness and begin treating it as reality itself.

The cosmologist Jenna Levin suggests that labeling something “infinite” is intellectually lazy. To declare something infinite may simply mean we’ve reached the edge of our understanding. We’ve stopped asking what might be after we’ve reached our cognitive event horizon.

Perhaps our attempts to find an edge to the universe is an attempt to map the extent of what we know. Once we’ve defined a conceptual edge – or determined that there is no edge – we are trying to define it. To hold it. To accept it as a given. To make it something we can inhabit.

Perhaps we do the same with our thoughts. Rather than investigating them, we crown them with permanence. We believe them. We inhabit them. We defend them. We mistake them for truth rather than recognizing them as temporary appearances arising in the universe of awareness.

One anxious thought becomes my anxiety. One political opinion becomes what I stand for. One heartbreak and my life is over. Before long, we’ve constructed a reality around something that, moments earlier, did not exist.

Meditation can show a snapshot of this process. And that snapshot might offer a glimpse of freedom from it. You see, believing our thoughts disables our ability to see them as thoughts. This is a form of imprisonment because it locks us into living and reliving only what we already know. As comforting as this is, it comes at the expense of everything else we might become.

If we sit quietly and follow the “prime directive” – which is to notice what arises without interference, such as judgement, desire, preference, et al. We will see that thoughts don’t actually arrive in a neat line. They bubble up from nowhere, overlap, interrupt one another, disappear without resolution, and occasionally dissolve before they’ve fully formed. Sometimes there is the faintest glimmer of gap—a tiny opening before the machinery of interpretation begins again.

Gap is intriguing. It is almost impossible to catch. Yet it opens the door to everything that isn’t a thought. Which is to say, everything else. The moment we recognize the gap, another thought has already arrived to congratulate itself for finding it. This kind of mental selfie interrupts the prime directive and invites us to believe what we are thinking. And believing is not seeing.

Perhaps that’s why contemplative traditions place so much value on resting in awareness rather than chasing thoughts. Not because thoughts are bad, but because they are astonishingly persuasive. Every one arrives announcing itself as reality.

And every one eventually disappears.

So, perhaps with meditation we are stepping back and gaining a perspective. What gives us perspective is space. Gap is a glimpse into opened undefined space. In time, singular moments of gap become perspective from which we can see without believing or interfering.

Maybe the “perfect moment” isn’t something mystical waiting somewhere outside ourselves. Maybe it is simply that immeasurably brief instant before experience hardens into certainty. Before we decide what this is, what it means, who we are, or what comes next.

Not because certainty is wrong.

But because that tiny opening reminds us that things are not solid, or defined by the limit of our understanding. Reality is alive. Much of it is beyond our understanding, but that should not stop us from looking. If we release ourselves from beliefs, from hopes and fears, from right and wrong, we may accept what’s there. Not agreeing or disagreeing, just seeing. Seeing everything we see whether we see it or not.

Our universe—whether out there among the galaxies or in here among our thoughts—is not a finished object but an ongoing event. And remembering that every thought, no matter how convincing, came from, and will return to, that perfect moment of gap where everything is possible.

DON’T START BELIEVING

Just Connect to the Feeling

The title is a play on the Journey song. Though it was a massive hit, I’m not a fan of the band, nor the sentiment of the song. Don’t stop believing? What would we do if we didn’t have to believe anything?

Beliefs are things we have to squint our eyes to see. We have to force them. Beliefs are ideas. And, tho ideas can greatly affect reality, ideas are not reality. And isn’t attaching ourselves to a belief, or a belief to ourselves, clinging? Clinging often comes at the expense of alternatives. But not always. Sometimes a belief is temporary and leads us to a next stage of development.

But sometimes they become solid and last throughout our lives. We lug them around, even when they’ve become obsolete. They have such gravity they tend to warp what we see, bending reality to their particular point of view. For instance, many people hold strong spiritual beliefs that place our nuanced reality in black and white terms. This offers a great deal of certainty. I sometimes envy that. When I feel overwhelmed, it would be comforting to find such surety. Surety in what? People fill the tabernacle with song and praise, but are any two people of those people believing the same thing?

It seems to me that each of us has an inner life informed by our particular experiences. Beyond that, there is so much we do not understand. Yet we always seem to need to know something. If we can force ourselves into believing something that many other people believe along with us, we feel comforted and strong. And if we believe our belief is right, we are often inclined to define that by believing someone else is wrong.

We may even come to believe they are a threat to our belief. In this way, we turn the whole world with its colors and dynamics into a binary contention.

When we meet the world with inquisitiveness, we open ourselves to discovery. But all too often anxiety causes us to clamp down on belief with white-knuckled tenacity. We find it reassuring to be certain about something. In doing so, we cease discovering. We believe something is true and therefore imagine we have found something. That something becomes a fixed reference point.

A path of discovery is an open system. Once we decide something is absolutely real and true, we begin to close the system.

Buddhism speaks of “non-dual” experience. This is to say that subjective experience is inseparable from, and concurrent with, external phenomena. Seeing a waterfall is an experience that happens in the mind as it happens in the space before us.

If we believe the waterfall is self-existing and imbued with magical properties, we might conclude that the sound of falling water is speaking directly to us. We might align ourselves with others who hear these magical utterances and accept them as real. As we fixate on the experience, we may fail to notice how loneliness, longing, or need is shaping our faith.

There is nothing wrong with hearing the poetry of a waterfall or experiencing it as healing. But turning that into a universal truth may be an attempt to make ourselves feel important. When Buddhists speak of emptiness, they are not denying the existence of the waterfall. They are questioning the solidity of the mental interpretations and elaborations that arise between the waterfall and our direct experience of it.

The mind is very busy. Meditation trains it to rest on one thing while allowing everything else to unfold around it. We hear the waterfall and feel healed. But when we immediately reach for our phones, searching for likes and validation, we may be turning the experience into a commodity.

It seems we often lack the confidence to let life be what it is without turning it into something larger than necessary. Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche often said, “NBD” — no big deal. Perhaps we make events feel significant so that we can feel significant. When others feel the same thing, the experience can become euphoric. And that can feel wonderful and life-affirming.

But euphoria is not reality. It is a temporary hijacking of the senses, including our higher mental faculties. Falling in love is so powerful that it has inspired centuries of poetry and music. It can be spiritually transformative. Yet transformation, by definition, is temporary.

Relationships that endure allow the feeling of falling in love to become something else. If the bond is strong, it may evolve through many creative forms. The Beatles eventually stopped writing love songs. As disappointing as that may have been for some listeners, it gave them the freedom to explore a much broader creative landscape.

And at some point, of course, the dream was over.

What do we do then?

Shorn of belief, we’re left with ourselves. With our experience. And our life does need not be explained, apologized for, fixed, aggrandized or diminished. Perhaps that has been the point all along. Not to believe, but to simply feel. To experience life directly before rushing to explain it, own it, or turn it into certainty. It will never be certain. Yet, the waterfall still falls. The heart still breaks. Love still comes and goes. Joy still visits. Grief still teaches.

Life continues to unfold whether we understand it or not.

Maybe our task is not to arrive at certainty, but to remain open to the mystery.

TURN AND FACE THE STRANGE

Ch-ch-ch-changes…

We’d go crazy if things never changed. Be honest: how long could we reasonably continue doing exactly what we’re doing without growing, shifting, expanding, or evolving? We need change. Yet we dread it nonetheless.

This dissonance creates friction in the mind. We react to change while simultaneously guarding against it. It’s like gritting our teeth while being dragged from a warm bed despite every effort to stay bundled beneath the covers.

The Buddhist community has a saying: Change or be dragged.

“Okay, okay, I’ll change,” we say, “but I’ll do it my way and in my time.”

So we step into a bright new world disgruntled, tense, and prepared for whatever danger we’ve projected onto the future. It’s an odd thing about us that we believe rehearsing danger somehow protects us from it. Another saying I’ve heard is that worrying is like praying for something bad to happen. In a sense that’s exactly what we’re doing—reciting a mantra of defeat before we’ve even arrived.

Starting fresh could be a breath of fresh air. Yet many of us simply drag the same luggage into the new situation. It’s exhausting.

As I write this, I have boxes, crates, folders, and containers filled with notebooks and writing that go back forty years. I’ve moved them to four different homes. Yet I haven’t opened a single notebook in any meaningful way for decades.

The cost isn’t just the weight of moving them. It’s the space they’ve occupied in my life. I once stored them in my mother’s basement. When she died, I emptied her house and inherited another collection of photographs, cards, papers, and memories. Her archives merged with mine.

I’ve always judged people whose homes were cluttered. Their spaces made me feel claustrophobic. But over time my judgment softened. I began to understand that most hoarding is rooted in fear. People aren’t simply collecting things. They’re holding on. They’re bracing themselves against change.

But isn’t change a good thing? At the very least, isn’t it completely inevitable?

Why do we cling so tightly to things that prevent us from changing?

If change is unavoidable and growth comes through change, perhaps what limits us isn’t change itself but our panic around it. What are we actually afraid of?

David Bowie sang, Turn and face the strange.

What’s new? What’s next?

The problem is that what’s next often arrives burdened by everything we’ve carried from what’s already been. Imagine arriving at a dinner party with six suitcases.

“Why all the luggage?”

“I wanted to come prepared.”

The central fear beneath change is the fear of the unknown. We can’t control what we don’t know. So the body grips around old memories, old wounds, and old identities as though they might protect us.

Is it fear of failure? Fear of success?

Maybe.

But perhaps we fear something even stranger. Perhaps we fear no longer being afraid.

What would we be without all the baggage? Without the trauma bonds? Without the nagging doubts and familiar stories?

What if we moved in without carrying everything with us?

In my workshops, I sometimes suggest that participants bow as they enter the room. The bow can symbolize leaving some of their baggage outside the door. I tell them they’re welcome to bring a small carry-on filled with neurotic attachments. That usually gets a laugh.

Yet what if we could actually choose when fear is useful and when it’s simply our attempt to control life?

One effective way to control the world is to make it small enough to manage. A world without uncertainty. A world without disappointment. A world without heartbreak.

A world without life, perhaps.

Life is movement. Life is change.

The question isn’t whether change will come. The question is how we will meet it.

The most effective way to move through circumstances we can’t control is to strengthen our capacity to pay attention. There is tremendous power in awareness. Awareness allows us to face the strangeness of life without immediately recoiling from it.

This takes practice because our habits were originally created to comfort us. Repeating familiar thoughts and behaviors makes life feel predictable. But over time these patterns become limiting. We begin to believe we can only be who we’ve always been.

Then change arrives anyway.

We panic. We feel broken open. We scramble to reconstruct the old self as quickly as possible, as though our survival depends on it.

But what are we protecting ourselves from?

Maybe we’re protecting ourselves from the very transformation we secretly long for.

When we imagine a new relationship, we often create a list of qualities our future partner should possess: kind, assertive, protective, independent, adventurous. Anything except meeting a real human being and discovering who they actually are.

We try to control change before it arrives.

Meditation offers another possibility.

Each time we notice we’ve been swept away by thought and gently return to the breath, we’re interrupting an old pattern. We may feel constrained by this practice. Part of us would rather indulge a wild, unbridled mind.

But look closely. That unbridled mind isn’t exploring new territory. It’s running the same circular track it’s always run.

Notice that.

Then return.

You’ll get swept away again. Notice that and return again.

And again.

And again.

Gradually, something shifts. We stop trying to control every experience. We stop demanding certainty from an uncertain world. We stop carrying so much of yesterday into tomorrow.

Eventually, we learn to let ourselves be.

And being just as we are, we may find the courage to turn and face the strange—not armored by fear, not burdened by baggage, but simple, present, and curious.

Then we can see what happens next.

David Bowie refused to lock himself into commercial patterning. He was a creative chameleon. It’s telling that the most uncomfortable change he endured, was when he did his two most conventional and commercial releases. “Let’s Dance” and “Tonight” launched him into a greater commercial stratosphere, but he hated looking like and sounding like everyone else.

And, of course, he didn’t and wasn’t. He was unique and creative even when he turned to face same because it was a great change for him.

His latest change was his death. It left a space that we could all feel the brilliance that once filled it. I think we still do.

Maybe we can find our own brilliance changes.

TALKING TO MYSELF

Making Sure I’m still here

I was riding in the car with a friend. After a time we had fallen into silence. I found myself having an imaginary conversation with a brother who lived on the other side of the continent. I’m an Italian American, so I talk to myself with my hands. My friend glanced over and asked, “Are you winning the argument?”

Having done a number of lengthy meditation retreats, I’ve had the opportunity to see my mind in different contexts. When we spend enough time sitting quietly, something interesting happens. We begin to see our thoughts without automatically becoming part of them. Something like looking out the window of a high rise at pedestrians scrambling below. The activity continues, but we are no longer caught in the chaos.

What surprised me from this perspective, was how damned crowded my mind seemed. Although I came to understand that the very act of seeing my mind from an objective perspective meant that I was accessing the open space of my mind. That was the vantage that allowed me to see the overcrowded streets below. And I saw that the preponderance of the crowding wasn’t brilliant ideas or profound insights. It was rote, repetitive narration. Endless thought streams in which I was explaining, defending, proving, correcting, and justifying… something. To someone. For some reason. The loudest conversations were defensive. I was making points to people who were not present, defending myself against accusations that weren’t being made, and winning arguments that never actually happened.

Then again, none of it was really happening.

I began to notice how much psychic real estate I had been giving to these internal debates. Within the enormous landscape of my mind I had selected the same arguments – or the same kind of arguments – repeatedly. Each discourse consumed me so thoroughly that there was little room left to experience life as it was actually unfolding.

Without space for fresh experience, all we really see are reflections of our own ideas. And most of the time those ideas had me at the center. “This is what happened to me” “This is how I was offended.” “This is who I am.”

“This is me.”

Perhaps what we are doing when we talk to ourselves is trying to prove that we exist. Descartes famously said, “I think, therefore I am.” He meant that the very fact of consciousness proved existence. But somewhere along the way, many of us began to believe: I think, therefore this is all I am.

We become identified with the commentary.

The strange thing is that our thoughts mostly tell us what we already know. They recycle familiar experiences, familiar fears, familiar hopes, familiar resentments. We return to them again and again, as though familiarity itself were a kind of refuge. Even when the stories are painful, they are comfortable because they are the devil we know.

Meditation practice offers us the mental space to notice this process. One of the most important moments in meditation is not achieving tranquility or reaching some exalted state. It is simply noticing that we have become lost in thought.

That moment is huge.

And then, of course, in time we might develop the willingness to return to the present. In time, consistent practice will build the neural pathways that will change our allegiance from escaping into interwoven narratives of habitual thinking to actually living in the present.

For years I believed my thoughts completely. If I was anxious, I became the anxiety. If I was angry, I became the anger. If I was defending myself in some imaginary courtroom, I became the defense attorney, the prosecutor, the judge, and the jury. I would stay up in bed cycling through what I should have said or what I might have done. This is our mind as a defensive tool trying to save us from imaginary evil.

Now, when I catch myself caught in one of those internal arguments, the first step is very simple. “This is just a thought.” Not a revelation. Not reality. Just a thought. I don’t layer a better thought over a limiting idea. Thoughts are thoughts are thoughts. A radio prattling in another room.

And simply noticing them is the result of the neural pathway development from meditation practice. We will begin to see when we are escaping into thoughts, arguments, complaints. And we begin to see that we have a choice to turn from that.

Thinking is not the totality of our mind. To say that thought is the whole of mind is like saying that the foam floating on top of a lake is the entirety of the lake.

There are depths beneath the surface.

There is a vast open sky above.

Yet many of us become frightened when we begin to glimpse those depths. We hear teachings about ego or no-self and immediately interpret them as attacks on our existence. We defend ourselves because our sense of self feels precious and necessary.

And in many ways it is.

But perhaps there is a difference between having a self and constantly proving that we have have a self. Maybe there is nothing to prove.

Meditation practice offers glimpses of possibilities beyond our usual patterned thinking. When the body settles into the present moment and the mind settles into the body, windows begin to open. We start to observe not only the content of our thoughts but the process itself. We see thoughts forming, dissolving, and reforming. We see the machinery rather than just the product.

And occasionally we encounter something we might find unsettling. Openness. Not the certainty, not the answers or schemes or solutions that our habit-mind presents. But openness. People often rush to fill that openness with new stories. We think we’ve seen God, glimpsed a past life, discovered a hidden destiny, or uncovered some cosmic secret. Maybe sometimes those things happen. But more often, I think we are simply rushing to replace one story with another.

The truly challenging aspect of meditation is not that it reveals something extraordinary. But that is reveals what we do not know. It brings us to the edge of fresh experience rather than recycled experience.

I’m reminded of a Monty Python sketch. The son is standing at a window looking outside. His father stands behind him and says, “Son, someday all this will be yours.”

The son replies, “What, the curtains?”

The father sighs. “No. Look beyond the curtains.”

“Oh,” says the son. “The window?”

That is often how we live. We spend our lives staring at the curtains of our own thoughts while an entire world waits beyond them. Meditation does not ask us to destroy the curtains. It does not ask us to silence every thought or win every internal argument. It simply invites us to look beyond them.

To stop seeking constant reassurance from the familiar stories of who we are. To rest, if only for a moment, in direct contact with ourselves and our world.

Stability. Clarity. Strength.

Daily Practice Changes Everything

There’s a feeling we all have that the more triggered we are, the greater the remedy we need.  Therefore, we often overlook very basic and fundamental tools that help us regain and maintain emotional balance and mental clarity.

Being triggered affects our stability because the experience compels us to react. Often reactions happen too quickly for us to be mindful. We are, in essence, lashing out blindly, not unlike flailing about in a canoe.  But just as we might regain balance in a canoe, we can reset ourselves in life.

Before we do anything or believe anything, we can come back to the present and reset our ground.  Stability is key.

 

Stability

It is the basis for mindful (read: effective) actin. Once we have stability, the mind can settle, feeling more comfortable in the space our body inhabits. From settling comes clarity. And clarity, grounded by the stability of being fully in our body, affords the strength to navigate difficulty with balance and poise.

When we feel threatened or overwhelmed, the best first step is to recognize what is happening before we try and fix anything. What is happening right now? Is this fear? Doubt? Confusion? Anger? Frustration? Inadequacy? The answer is not nearly as important as asking the question. This is because when we’re triggered, it is a younger, sometimes ancient part of our system that becomes engaged. That part of our being may not have access to the language, training, and understanding that our higher mind enjoys. By simply recognizing that we’re triggered we begin to calm the nervous system. The effect may be temporary, but it opens the door to further engagement through self-compassion and awareness.

It is essential that once we recognize we are triggered—experiencing fear, doubt, confusion, perhaps all of these at once—we accept what is happening. Acceptance is not resignation. It is simply acknowledging the reality of this moment without immediately projecting into the future or revisiting the past. Future and past are always speculation that leads to unhelpful narratives. Instead, our meditation training, enables us to look directly at what we are experiencing now. This begins to loosen the bondage of suffering.

Looking at our experience allows us to feel into what is actually happening within us – what we are unwittingly doing to ourselves.  We do not need to come to firm conclusions. We do not have to explain anything away. We simply notice, feel, and accept.

By allowing ourselves to feel and accept the present experience, we begin to find the inner space to settle. With daily meditation practice, specifically shamatha practice, we train the mind away from clinging to reactive states and return ourselves to the balance we can only have in the present.

Coming back to the present when we are triggered is an ongoing process. Just as in shamatha practice, we go away, notice, remember, and return. We may notice tension in the body—tightness in the belly, constriction in the jaw, heaviness in the shoulders and neck. This awareness develops through mindfulness of body cultivated in meditation practice.

Recognition followed by acceptance has a neurological calming effect. It may only last a moment, but we don’t need to chase outcomes. Instead, we work with – by returning to –  the direct experience of suffering in the present moment. We feel the elevated heartbeat, the confusion, the tightening, without immediately extending it into narrative.

This can be very simple. But, one of the ways we miss the mark is by believing the stories in our mind, especially catastrophic projections. We become so frightened that we assume there must be a dramatic and immediate response. Yet often the most effective response is simply recognizing that we are being pulled away.  The world is ending – just return to the moment. My life is heading for disaster – simply return to the moment.  None of this is how I imagined it would be – return. Return. And by returning, we release ourselves from the panicked grip in our body and mind and regain our balance.

When we are triggered, frightened, or thrown off balance, we are no longer reliable witnesses. The mind begins feeding us fake news. So rather than following every conclusion and projection, we return to what is actually happening now. We address what is real and immediate: the tension in the body, the racing heart, the fear, the confusion. By boycotting the complications we construct, we gradually find stability. Then, like water held still long enough for sediment to sink, the mind becomes clear.

 

Clarity

At some point we become reliable witnesses once again. This is trusting our wisdom mind. But to do this we may have to gently acknowledge and let go of the panicked mind. The wisdom mind is quieter, subtler, and less reactive, which is why it can be difficult to access when we feel threatened.

Our first impulse is rarely to calm down and relax. Yet by turning away from mental complication and returning to breathing, recognition, and acceptance, we stabilize. Stability is the necessary prerequisite for right action. Before the mind can be clear, the nervous system must become relatively calm.

When you are overwhelmed, do not fight with the mind or attempt to think your way through panic. The mind that creates the complication cannot solve the complication. Letting go of the panicked mind and returning to the body allows the mind to settle and clarify on its own.

 

Strength

Once we are stable and the mind is clarified, we become reliable again—not only as witnesses, but as supports for others and as compassionate human beings. We develop the strength of someone who is not shaken and who knows when to respond and when not to respond.

This is great strength.

This strength allows us to navigate the world and respond in ways that are actually helpful. My teacher mapped out the logic of shamatha practice very simply: stability leads to clarity, and clarity leads to strength.

Shamatha is simple and subtle. In many ways it can seem inadequate compared to the intensity of our emotions. But that is precisely why it matters. We are boycotting the dictates of panic, ego, and self-will, and opening ourselves instead to our basic goodness and the inner strength that can actually carry us through.

We notice the impulse to escape, fix, or react. We recognize it, accept it, release it, and return once again to the breathing. The breathing relaxes the nervous system, and as the nervous system settles, the urgency to fill the space begins to dissolve.

 

The Importance of Daily Mind Training

Looking at a depiction of the Buddha, you can sense their stability clarity and strength. This is, of course, due to the fact that we are seeing a picture or statue. But, we are people, flawed and insecure but able to train ourselves toward this process by noticing, accepting and returning with no hope of an outcome.

At some point, the mind of Buddha nature will dawn within us.

This is where we come back to. This is what we are training to recognize.

WALKING THE WARRIOR PATH

Good and evil.

What cosmic narcissism to be the center of everything in the moral universe.  The classic trope of the good angel on one shoulder and the bad angel on the other with us caught in a struggle between ultimate good and ultimate evil. Many of us continue to live under the weight of these outsized beliefs.

I suppose this makes us feel important.

While the universe contains extreme temperatures and vast distances, there are no definable poles. Each point in the universe is equal to any other. Anything we measure is dependent on position. Good and evil, like all else in our universe, are relative to situation and circumstance. Nonetheless, relational binaries abound in our consciousness. They are ingrained in us as good versus evil, left versus right, wonderful versus horrible. We live squeezed between exaggerations, limited by beliefs with scant logic. I suppose binary extremes offer us a comforting sense of place. But they also imprison us in that place.

The problem arises when we turn these guideposts into solid truths. When we make our point of view solid, we end up judging everything by that imaginary metric. That point – which we come to believe is right – becomes a center by which the rest of the universe must confirm to. But just as cosmology grew from the belief that earth was the center of the solar system to an understanding of the inter-dynamics a complex universe, so our Buddhist path leads us from the limited view of our ego, with its opinions and prejudice, to understanding how we are a part of everything.

Buddha taught that truth lies between extremes. Or you might say everywhere between extremes. Calling it the “middle way,” the Buddha was turning us toward the idea of being present in life and trusting ourselves to do what is needed in the moment. The Twelve Step traditions refer to “doing the next right thing.” According to the Buddha, the next right thing is specific to the moment and its circumstances. Of course, this is predicated on clarifying our view. The role of meditation and the Eightfold Path is to train the mind to rest in the present, allowing clarity to dawn. That clear seeing disabuses our self-centeredness and allows us to see what is best for all.

The middle way is based on what is actually happening. We can point to the middle way each time we recognize an extreme belief. “This is not right,” we might say. But is that true? Are there opposing points of view? Is there nuance? What is actually happening if we strip away judgment? Then the next right step becomes clear. Buddhist thought suggests that our largest view — the view with the most room for ourselves and everyone else — is to be compassionate, open, and helpful to the world. That’s not dogma. It’s not absolute. It is a recommended direction. Then our provisional binary might become: “Is this next step leading me toward that view, or away from it?” This is a more practical binary because it relates to what we are doing in the moment, not to what everyone else should be doing.

In order to do this, we would do best to loosen our grip on needing to be right. The need to be right is a trap. My music, my movies, my politics, my religion, my point of view — these all feel like truths to me, but they are opinions. My opinions. You may feel differently, but sharing our differences openly, without coercion, is a great way to learn and grow. I don’t have to give up my feeling that the Beatles were the best band in order to remain open to understanding how much you love electronic dance music.

Once we let go of exaggerated extremes, loosen our judgments, and release the need to be right, we can begin to see clearly. But where are we heading? As with everything on the Buddhist path, we come back to the present moment. The next right step is one step. Frequently, this is all we need to do in order to reset. We catch ourselves rushing toward a conclusion, stumble, notice, and come back. Here are my feet on the ground. Here is the next step.

But where are we going?

Each step may lead toward or away from our destination. This is our provisional binary. But each step is not the destination, and the destination may not resemble the next step. We are remarkable beings. We can chew gum and walk at the same time. We can know where we are heading while still paying attention to the steps needed to get there. We can hold the larger view and let go of it enough to be here now. There is no contradiction in that.

However, it is important to remember that the steps are actually happening, while the destination is still unfolding. Or not. We make plans, and the universe laughs. So the destination is not holy. As Peter O’Toole says in Lawrence of Arabia: “Nothing is written.”

That means the path is open. And the warrior is brave enough to face it. In Tibet they say “Pawo,” which means brave. Brave enough not to be right, but wise enough to be accurate. The universe is a vast place. We can map out provisional, imaginary points to guide us, but we do not need the limitation of making them solid. We can stay open, keep our eyes ahead, and feel our feet on the ground.

This is walking the warrior’s path: open, available, holding on as needed to steady ourselves, then letting go, taking the next brave step and being present to support the life that calls us.

HONORING THE MOTHER LINEAGE

By Nurturing Our Natural Kindness

 

I wanted to reach out in the spirit of my mother, who passed a few years ago and for whom I will always carry a quiet torch. In many ways, she was the great love of my life—a spiritual guide, a dear friend, and a near perfect mom. Trudi, as everyone knew her, was a relentless acceptor of everything in life, including me—her damaged, broken boy soldier, ever faithful, yet rarely grateful.

Like many children, I accepted her for the blessing she was, but never realized how rare that was, or how lucky I was. If there is any part of me that is loving, kind, and accepting, it is my mother still alive in me.

We grew up around a tight-knit Pentecostal church. She was the preacher’s kid, and the only boy who could reach her was a rough, arrogant Spaniard with a world to conquer. Everyone loved “Boy,” as he was called—charming in the way of men for whom the world is opening. Years later, I found a new familial community rooted in an American form of Tibetan Buddhism. My mother cried as she drove away, leaving me at a mountain retreat center blanketed in snow.

In Tibetan Buddhism, we speak of mother and father lineages. While equally important, they are understood differently—not as men and women, but as essential energies within each of us.

The father lineage is seen as creator and protector. The mother lineage as nurturer, holder, and the great agent of understanding that speaks from heart to heart. In many traditional cultures, men traveled and taught, while women held together the fabric of family and community.

My family, unknowingly, echoed this. My father traveled—first as a soldier, then as a businessman—while my mother, who also worked, carried the responsibility of raising us. It was not an easy life for either of them.

I lived in Baltimore during the riots, and as dangerous as those streets could be, the violence often softened when grandmothers stepped out of their homes. I still remember the image of a grandmother scolding a cowering grandson. The mother lineage need not be overshadowed by the father. Ideally, they work in tandem.

During times of difficulty, returning to the sense of protection associated with the father, and the nurturing and connection associated with the mother, can be deeply supportive. This is something we can carry within us.

The image of my father as protector, while potent, also evokes a sense of competition within me. This may be natural for boys and fathers of my generation. But I never worked well with competition. I tried to best others and spent a lot of time in aggressive disconnection. That was not necessary.

I saw my parents as separate and never appreciated how they might be conjoined. As a result, those energies have not been fully integrated within me. I feel deeply and care deeply, but I also fight and compete where it isn’t needed. Perhaps learning to unify these is my life’s task.

It is my view—and the view of the practice I’ve been given—that we begin to resolve the masculine and feminine within our own minds. We do this by recognizing the generosity of these energies, and how fortunate we are to have known them through others.

When times are difficult, we do not have to forget the softness, kindness, and compassion of the mother. When times are generous and forgiving, we do not have to forget the discipline and uprightness of the father.

I want to offer the idea that we can find calm in the storms of our lives and in the storms around us—that this calm and openness is itself an expression of strength. We can rely on our strength without losing our heart, and open our heart without losing our strength. The union of mother and father is strength.

The openness of the mother, protected by the strength of the father, allows us to find stillness in the midst of turmoil.

In remembering my mother, I feel again the presence of that balance—already here, already alive within me. I feel held, reminded that I do not have to do this alone. Something softens, and something becomes steady.

 

IN THE EYE OF THE STORM

Choosing Peace in Times of War

These days many of us describe our world as crazy, cruel and chaotic. It seems socio political dysfunction is a common experience.  This lack of stability in our outer reality understandably influences our inner health and wellbeing.

When our mental health is attacked, even the pressures we normally face seem might amplify to catastrophic proportions. Our emotional tolerance becomes compromised and we fall prey to any number of adventitious afflictions such as depression, anxiety, compulsive thinking and extreme beliefs. Our kneejerk solutions may be to arm our hearts with corresponding violence or check out in retreat. But these kneejerk reactions are not intentional. They are not mindfulness.  They only add to the confusion.

However, there is a place within experience that is not at war with what is happening. This experience of space allows, what Tara Brach calls, “radical acceptance.” Radical acceptance is not acquiescence. It is not supporting, nor is it ignoring. It is the simple and powerful act of facing what we face. Before we can take the right action to help ourselves or our world we need the emotional balance to see clearly.

This is not a poetic idea. It is not something we manufacture through strength or rigidity. It is something we discover—often accidentally at first—in the middle of chaos. A space within where, despite all the  movement around us, something is not moving. Despite the noise, something is not making noise.

We might talk about basic goodness or Buddha nature—not as something elevated or distant, but as something so immediate we often overlook it. It’s not reactive, it’s an open space that births an inner kindness that is so powerful, yet hard to grasp. When we are punched in the gut, our first reaction is not to relax, be kind to ourselves and open to our natural stillness.  Our kneejerk is to grip and harden, not open.

It is so important that we train the mind away from its tendency for gripping reactivity toward the open space of mindfulness. That may seem crazy, if we believe the craziness around us.  But in the midst of chaos is a space that offers the capacity to be aware. And within that space, knowing each experience as it arises.

This knowing is not disturbed by what it knows.

Thoughts race. Emotions surge. The body tightens and releases. The world presents itself in all its complexity—joy, sorrow, fear, beauty. And yet, the awareness of these things remains open, ungrasping, and fundamentally undamaged. The problem is not the storm.

The problem is that we believe we are the storm.

We identify with the movement—“my thoughts,” “my fear,” “my situation”—and in doing so, we lose access to the space in which all of this is occurring. The eye of the storm is not something we create. It is what remains when we stop trying to follow everything that moves.

So how do we find this eye?

Not by stopping the storm.  This is where the path becomes both simple and confronting. We are so conditioned to improve, adjust, and control our experience that the idea of not doing that feels almost irresponsible. But the practice here is not passivity—it is precision.

We begin by taking a seat.

Literally, in meditation, we sit down. We place attention on something simple—often the breath—not as a solution, but as a reference point. Something stable enough to return to as the mind moves. The instruction is deceptively basic: notice when you’ve wandered and just come back.

But what we are actually doing is far more radical. We are learning to see movement without becoming it. A thought arises—we notice it. An emotion surges—we feel it. A memory, a plan, a judgment—we see it pass through. We don’t need to suppress it. We don’t need to follow it. We simply return.

Again and again.

At some point, something shifts—not because we forced it, but because we stopped interfering. We begin to notice that there is always a gap. A moment of simple presence before the next thought takes hold. A space in which experience is vivid, but not solid.

This is the beginning of discovering the eye.

Off the cushion, the practice deepens. In conversation, in conflict, in the rush of daily life—we notice when we are pulled into the storm. The tightening, the urgency, the need to assert or defend. And then, if we can, we pause. Even briefly. We feel the body. We hear the sounds around us. We recognize the movement of mind as movement, not identity.

So how does this help anything?

This is not about withdrawing from life. It is about finding the balance to face life without losing our seat. When we are no longer trying to control or escape our experience, we begin to meet it more directly. The sharpness of pain, the warmth of connection, the unpredictability of life—it all becomes more vivid, not less.

But there is space around it. This space allows for compassion.

If we are no longer overwhelmed by our own storms, we can begin to sense the storms in others—not as threats, but as shared human experience. The anger, the confusion, the grasping—it is no longer foreign. It is recognizable. And from that recognition, something softens.

This recognition is not disturbed by what it sees because it is resting in basic goodness.

This is what it might mean to “live in peace while witnessing war.” The eye of the storm is not an escape from the world. It is a way of being in the world that does not amplify its chaos. And perhaps most importantly, with mindfulness, it is always available. Not later. Not when things calm down. Not when we finally get our lives together. Right here—in the middle of whatever is happening.

Stop trying to outrun the storm. Take your seat. Don’t follow anything. Until you do, then just come back. Let it settle. Stability allows an opening to clarity. And clarity opens to the possibility of right action.

Right action is the first step to compassion where we thought none was possible.

PLEASE RELEASE ME

The Joy of Letting Go

Learning to let go is important to our health and happiness. Letting go is releasing into openness, rather than creating tensions that to shut us down. But letting go is not getting rid of anything. It is not pushing anything away. It is simply releasing our stranglehold on the things to which we’re clinging. Sometimes we cling out of routine habit and sometimes we lunge in an existential panic to prove we’re here. I obsess, therefore I am.

Our near constant gripping and appropriation causes pain, not only for ourselves, but also the objects of our gripping. We keep the things we love strangled and imprisoned within our projections. We don’t see these captures; we see our idea of them. So even when we get what we think we want, it’s not what we have.

We cling to things we want. But we also cling to things we disdain. Whether we want or want to not want, the result is the same. We have forged an attachment with something we’re holding too tightly to see.

Attachments are often the boogeyman in Buddhist thought, but not because what we attach to is necessarily problematic. It’s because attachment creates a stickiness that keeps us from moving through situations with ease. We get stuck, as Pema Chödrön would say.

The primary binary—like/don’t like—reduces life to a two-dimensional experience. But in truth, the things we hold can trap our mind in cycles we never grow beyond.

Letting go is dropping the struggle. It doesn’t mean getting rid of anything. It’s not self-denial, nor a denial of that which we hold. Letting go is simply releasing our relentless effort to keep things in place. When we are able to release our tension, its as if we are able to open into a space of clarity. We love more truly when we allow the things we love to be themselves. We are able to protect ourselves more readily when we see what is actually there.

That sticky quality of mind—our attempt to appropriate what we see and hold it in place—keeps us emotionally tethered. The things we cling to keep us from seeing alternatives. If we have the openness and bravery to experience life as it is, rather than clinging to what we like and pushing away what we don’t, our world becomes three-dimensional.

To live a life of openness, we need to develop the bravery to open. This is more natural than clinging, so when we open, it feels like a release—a return. We can’t create openness; we can only open to it. On the other hand, we do create the blockages that keep openness at bay.

The practice is to notice the impulse to grasp, recognize it, accept it as the habit of the mind, and then release it.

 

Who are we without the things we cling to? Who would we be without the tethers we create?

Life is leading us down the river of time. There are challenges and dangers along the way, but also a great joy when we let go. Regardless, we are heading toward a waterfall we will not navigate. We are all final girls in this horror show. But along the way, if we are too frightened to open up, we will be trapped without ever appreciating the joy of our journey.

If we let go into the beauty and the tragedy of our life, we may find peace along the way. And when the time comes, perhaps we will choose to be present for our final letting go.

Letting go is not getting rid of anything. It is, in fact, accepting everything—allowing things to be as they are.

We are greedy. We want, and we want, and we want. That’s okay. The question is: can we stop grabbing? Can we stop harming? Can we stop appropriating?

Learning to accept what is here as enough—and experiencing the joy in that.

CRYING TO THE SKY

The Role of Prayer in a Non-Theistic Tradition

 

Buddhism has largely been divorced from the idea of an overseeing creator—someone to whom we can supplicate, someone managing our experience, someone to yell at us when we’ve gone astray. This is called Theism. Turning an object into a thing that, in turn, becomes a solid reference.

Refuting the existence of God, as we know, is called atheism. Sometimes atheists can be more dogmatic than theists, turning a non-thing into a very solid proposition.

Then there is a story of the Buddha, when asked by Indian scholars why he did not refer to a god. Buddha reportedly answered, “Because that’s not important. This was not a denial of gods. It was a repositioning. By placing the question of a deity into the realm of theology, he freed himself to be a teacher, not a priest. This was his great reformation. And this is what we call non-theism.

As Buddha removed the idea of a spiritual hierarchy he placed responsibility back into the hands of human beings. The gods were not the issue. The issue was how we wake up in this life right now.

But what if I simply want to pray? 

When I am faced with confusion, reaching out to something feels important. When I have failed myself—as I have, repeatedly in my life—it would make sense to look beyond myself for solace.

Before I came to Buddhism, I would fall into treating God like my butler. Someone to do my bidding when difficulty arises. I’d ask for this, ask for that—often with more demand than humility. And when I didn’t get what I wanted, I’d recoil in a huff, turning the name I once called in reverence, into a curse.

It would seem I was invoking a codependent, rather than empowering, relationship.

The point of Buddha’s teaching was not to establish a system of divine dependence, but to guide people toward leading themselves on the path of awakening. Nonetheless, I have secretly envied the certainty of deeply religious people. I am moved when I walk down a busy street and see someone kneeling in prayer, facing Mecca. I am struck by the conviction of those who feel aligned with a power they trust completely.

Non-theism is not a denial of god. It is a refusal to rely on a deity as a solid, external savior. Instead, it suggests that when we call upon something beyond ourselves, we are co-creating an experience between our mind and the wisdom beyond the conceptual limitations that mind. So, praying to the sky, indeed crying to the sky in sadness and frustration, with the hope that we can go beyond ourselves is actually a very practical method.

When I am in states of confusion or despair, praying to Padmasambhava gives me relief. It gives me orientation outside of my habitual patterns. Over time, this has developed into a kind of faith.

But it is a practical faith.

I don’t assume this process would work for everyone. I don’t believe it is better or truer than any other object of prayer. It is personal. A gateway. A way of stepping beyond myself and receiving.

The non-theistic view suggests that we can use the idea of a deity—or prayer itself—as a gateway to access something larger. If someone believes wholeheartedly in a deity and finds strength in that, then that’s great. Buddhism has not rejected these forms. And although in its fundamental form Buddha’s teachings turned away from reliance on a deity as the teachings spread, it adapted and changed. In Tibet, for example, figures like Guru Rinpoche (Padmasambhava) were said to transform local spirits—forces of fear and chaos—into protectors of the Dharma.

Whether taken literally or symbolically, the message is clear: what is frightening, chaotic, and unknown can be transformed into something that supports, even protects, our path.

That is deeply compelling to me.

So yes—I pray to Padmasambhava. Not because I believe in a solid being somewhere granting favors, but because I have faith in the transformation of darkness into awakening.

When I am lost in confusion, doubt, or fear, I remember my teachers. I remember the Buddha. And sometimes I call out—to Padmasambhava, to the sky, to something beyond myself. My work is to find passion in a belief that opens to possibility rather than narrows down on expectation.

Whether I visualize a deity, a teacher, or simply cry to the very sky amounts to the same thing. Rather than limiting my prayer to a fixed, external god I am asking for guidance to step beyond myself.

Buddhism tells us to rely on ourselves, why do I still feel the need to pray?

Because I have run afoul relying solely on myself. So I ask for help. And the simple act of asking opens the gateway to a greater possibility. And rather than limit those possibilities to my own usual thinking I’m simply opening with the question.

Not expecting reward. Not demanding results. But praying to the open sky – and the loving spirit of the universe – removes the burden of having to do anything my way. All I have to do is open and trust that I will understand.