Learning to Have Faith in Standing in the Present
One thing I miss from my early Christian upbringing was the belief that something out there was caring for me, watching over me.
And when I felt cut off as though my spirit had darkened, I assumed I was failing. My disconnect from God was evidence of their displeasure. And so at times, I would resent God. “God fearing” translated to self-hating. While this cosmic psycho push pull afforded me lots of entertainment, it was a closed cycle that grew quickly tiresome.
It became clear, that God was a projection of my feelings at any given time. And that I used them as a personal assistant: give me this, get me that.
In time, I came to adopt a Buddhist point of view, which was less comforting, yet perhaps more rewarding. I found the comfort, solace, and protection I was yearning was accessible if I believed in myself.
My self.
But wasn’t it my self that led me into darkness in the first place?
When Buddhists speak of no self, they are saying that the self, as with God itself, is not a solid thing that can save or condemn. When we say, “inside myself,” we’re talking about a part of ourselves that is not solid. A part of our being that is vast and open. This is called “Buddha Nature”.
Buddha literally means “awake.” The Buddha, the “awakened one”, was a historical being who instructed followers to work on themselves in order to overcome the delusions that kept them locked in cycles of suffering. As humans, we tend to see phenomena as we project them to be. For instance, we might see a vengeful God, or a loving God depending upon inner circumstance. This is a co-dependent cycle and is not wisdom born of clear seeing.
But if we come to believe, to understand, and to have faith, in Buddha nature, then we develop a relationship that is much deeper, stronger, and more rewarding than simply relying on ourselves. And it is also more reliable than anything beyond ourselves. Buddha Nature is the clarity from which we see the world clearly.
In this way, we are experiencing phenomena as what is called “self-liberated” – which is to say, things are not how we interpret them they are as they are. We have no obligation to phenomena other than to respond appropriately. We are not required to change ourselves based on what others – or other forces – seem to dictate. We can come to have faith in a deeper and truer self that, although not solid, is always here with us.
So are we saying a self that is beyond ourselves yet within ourselves?
We are talking about a part of ourselves that is beyond the self—that is deeper, more open, and more connected to the vibrance, wisdom, and compassion of the universe. The part of ourselves that is the nature of all things. Buddha Nature is compassion and wisdom, which manifests as what is called luminosity. Like light, like the rays of the sun, luminosity points to an experience that is open and regenerative but not solid. Although not solid, luminosity can be focused toward very tangible and practical ends. Light is something we move through easily, and yet, if we sharpen its focus, it can cut through iron.
When we say that our Buddha nature lies within and beyond us, we’re saying that we are in touch with something greater than our corporeal form and well beyond our life experience. We are in touch with the universe. An important aspect of the experience of a universe is its ability to light itself, see itself, and transmit wisdom to all that exists within it. If we are able to feel that light within ourselves, we can connect to the light beyond ourselves.
In practical terms, this means that there is an aspect of our being that need not be defined, encapsulated, contained, or controlled, because it is well beyond our abilities to do so, but is a very tangible, practical, apparent, and present part of ourselves, nonetheless.
With our meditation practice, we train our mind to open to an experience of Buddha nature and the Buddha nature of others, the world and the universe. It is admittedly difficult for me to feel the Buddha nature of those who have harmed me or those who I feel do wrong. But I am absolutely committed to the view that it is not my job to determine who has done wrong. My job is to remain present and open and recognize those glimpses of light when I see them. There are some beings whose Buddha nature I cannot imagine opening my mind enough to see. Therefore, faith is important in those instances.
So, am I a being of light? Well, that seems a way to make light solid. It’s not the light that will save me. In fact, nothing will save me from what is happening. This is my beautiful life. It’s up to me to live as fully as I can.
When things become hard, dark and solid, I have faith that when I am able to return to the present moment, things will have the best chance to work in a way that is best for me. The present moment is devoid of expectation. So, we are not asking or demanding anything. We are here, with our feet on the ground, trusting that we are what we need, all that we need in this moment.
So, as with all things “Buddhist” the middle way is indicated. Letting go of both our need to control and our wish to have something save us. We do the work to keep our mind present and clear, and at some point we learn to let go and trust the space to guide us.