During this time of personal, social, and environmental stress, developing compassion is so important. Yet, compassion isn’t always the first thing we think of when we feel attacked and triggered. If we unpack becoming triggered, we find we often become triggered when we feel overwhelmed and victimized. When this is the case, we most reflexively adopt a defensive posture. This is understandable. We close our eyes and start swinging. This action perfectly describes what compassion is not.
First, compassion is open eyed. When we are open to a situation, our response can be appropriate. If we are truly in danger, nothing is served by refusing to look at our situation. With our eyes open we can better determine the best response to secure our safety. Secondly, when we start blindly swinging, we are reacting without conscious thought. Compassion is responding appropriately to our triggers, with our eyes and our mind open. On the other hand, neurosis is reacting blindly in ways that are rarely appropriate. Neuroses are maladaptive reactions. Whether lashing out, grasping, or running away these reactions are rarely a conscious choice. Our fear is creating an urgency that disallows the ability to slow down and see clearly. Usually, this means we don’t trust ourselves. It takes a certain self-possession to trust ourselves enough to stand in the fray of rising emotions and look before we hit send.
If compassion is the ability to act appropriately, even – and perhaps especially – when we feel attacked, then we must learn to love ourselves enough to be on our own side while we feel attacked. Compassion is predicated upon having compassion for ourselves. Many Buddhist traditions refer to Maitri as the necessary precondition for true compassion. Maitri, or loving kindness, means we are accepting ourselves and our situation before we react. If we learn to care for ourselves, we have the strength to pause before we try and change anything. It is not selfish to do this. It is essential.
Caring for ourselves need not be indulgent. Retreating to a warm bath to replenish ourselves is selfcare. Hanging out in the bath until we’ve become a prune in order to avoid our life, is not. So, Maitri is often described as “making friends” with ourselves and our situations. We are keeping a respectable distance from our pain, and not getting lost in neither the pain, nor the selfcare. The point is not the bath. The point is using the bath to restore our ability to respond accurately to life. By making friends with ourselves, we are making friends with our neurosis, with our triggers, our doubt and confusion. Maitri is making friends with the moment. The method to making friends is to become familiar with the situation. It is becoming familiar with ourselves. This is, perhaps, the most important result of our meditation practice. We keep coming back to the breath and our mindfulness of the breath creates the space for us to become familiar with ourselves. The patience to be present with each breath develops into the fortitude to be present in our lives.
Familiarity allows us to be less reactive with ourselves. This allows us to be with ourselves long enough to begin to
see what we do. Seeing without reacting leads to accepting. This is why recognition is followed by acceptance in our practice directives. Rather than reacting to things we see about ourselves, meditation offers us the space to accept them. When we have the space to accept ourselves, we have the space to accept others. And that space with others, or circumstances in our life, allows us the opportunity to respond in ways that may be helpful, rather than harmful.
Once we are able to slow down and see ourselves, we can begin to see that we can work with ourselves. We learn that by acceptance of our own craziness we are less reactive with ourselves. In this way, we become less reactive of others. When we accept the crazy within ourselves, we begin to see that we are not unlike everyone else. When someone is hurting us, we might see the pain that is motivating them to be reactive. Then perhaps we can feel empathy. In any case, since we have created the loving space of non-reaction, we can perhaps see commonalities between ourselves and the other – even if they fail to see this themselves.
As we progress on the path of compassion, we have more responsibility. At some point, we have less need for others to respond as we want them to. If our actions are determined by what we expect from others, then we are compromised and not acting with true compassion. Compassionate action is giving without expecting anything in return. No giver, no gift, no receiver it is said. This is not to be Mother Teresa, necessarily. It is a very practical way to live. We just let go of what we are giving and trust ourselves enough to simply give. In a world of neurotic reaction taking a moment to pause and respond beyond the urgings of egoic defenses, is a gift. And we give this gift to others, and to ourselves. Not asking anything in return, leaves us free of resentment and expectation.
We don’t need grand gestures to be compassionate. We just need to be friendly enough with ourselves that our friendliness extends naturally to others. This will increase the possibility of goodness in our life. And it will allow us to see the goodness that we already have. In this crazy dangerous world, there is still much love. As compassion is a natural quality of the universe, it is always there for us. When we have the humble openness to accept ourselves and accept love, we are able to love others even when threatened. With loving acceptance, we come to see that there is only love.
And just as giving can be devoid of demand and expectation, so can receiving. All we need to do to connect to the compassion of the universe is to remember we are loved. No matter how badly we feel or how damaged we’ve become all we need to do is remember how fortunate we are to be here. No matter how dangerous life is becoming, it is a blessing to be here and have the ability to help others.
As we become more compassionate, we have more ability to help this world, so much in need.