The power of kindness often gets overlooked.
Kindness is accessed by gentleness, so we sometimes view it as inconsequential or miss it all together. Kindness doesn’t have as large a handle as aggression, so when push comes to shout, it’s a challenge to remember it’s simple power. We often regard kindness as something we’re ‘supposed’ to do or we use it as a placeholder for more active feelings that may later come raging to the fore. When kindness is used to deny our feelings we are being unkind to ourselves. We are trying a bit too hard to be civil. But if this is not how we really feel, then the other steel-toed shoe will drop. In all of these circumstances, we are being less than honest.
This is not genuine kindness. Genuine kindness comes from kindness to ourselves. It is the honesty to accept how we’re feeling and the confidence to stand up and meet our world with a smile. Rather than using kindness as a default when we are too worried to speak our mind, we can lead with Genuine Kindness as a way of opening the door to our experience.
Genuine Kindness radiates naturally to others because it is based on kindness to ourselves. It comes from the sense of self-regard and confidence we build in our meditation practice. When we lead with kindness, we are expressing the bravery to lift our gaze and smile at the world. When we smile, we release natural endorphins that quell pain and encourage and open exchange with loving world. But, smiling works when the world is less than loving. We can smile at danger, smile at sadness, smile at aggression and as Trungpa Rinpoche said, “Smile at Fear.” When an actual smile is inappropriate, or would be mistaken as provocation, we can smile inside. We can look into the challenging places in life with optimism and grace. We can meet difficulties by supporting our health and wellness.
Regardless of circumstances, if our view is to lead with kindness and open into understanding, we demonstrate the confidence of a leader. In the Shambhala Buddhist tradition, we refer to warriorship. In this case, warriorship is not based on aggression or competition. We are not trying to best another or make ourselves more powerful than the present moment requires. We are opening to our fear, our doubt, our hurt with the bravery to accept our feelings. When we are insulted by another, who is it that is hurt by this if we remove ourselves as a target? When we fight back, we weaken ourselves and that aggression lodges in our system. Standing up to someone is not done by lowering ourselves. It is best done by rising up in confidence, accepting our own feelings, and remaining open. This is not easy. You might say rising up is a tall order.
Warriorship requires the self-discipline to not take everything personally. So rather than “trying to be kind” we are being kind to ourselves by not indulging in crap trading. We are not using kindness as a weapon, a ruse, or a ploy. We are not being kind as a placeholder until we go home and yell at the dog. We are avoiding aggression because it is an ineffective strategy. It doesn’t work. It only hurts ourselves. In the recovery tradition, they talk of “drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick. The other person likely didn’t even know you were triggered. They are off, down the road to insult someone else. Meanwhile, you are up all night steaming and retelling the issue again and again. Maybe one of those retellings will tell it right, but I tend to doubt it. The next day we are likely to relive it all again by telling our friends. And our friends, of course, will be complicit in indulging the story. You may be looking for someone to agree with you and most people will do in hopes that the invective will end. They will cheer us on, without knowing any of the particulars, in hopes that it all will end.
Self-anger and self-affliction don’t help to defend ourselves. In fact, the erode strength and confidence. The more we beat up on ourselves, the weaker we get, and the more we feel victimized by the other. But chances are no one is doing anything to us but ourselves. And even if we were truly wronged beating ourselves up is no way to counter anyone else’s aggression. Kindness is the warrior’s sword. It is a way of disengaging from the aggression so that we can see things more clearly. When we are brave enough to stand in discomfort and respond with genuine kindness to ourselves and to the moment, we are building health and confidence. With confidence we are better able to defend ourselves. We act wisely and effectively instead of impulsively and self-destructively. We are manifesting the warrior within us. I find it helpful to have an image in my meditation. A warrior queen, king or nonbinary being with the power to enjoy life and the grace to dispatch aggression without aggression. Kindness evokes a great strength.
If you have been triggered and are carrying the poison around with you, there is a process you can go through. Find a quiet place in your environment and let your mind find its quiet place. Remove yourself from the fight and be inquisitive into your experience:
- is my anger helping? what am I defending? was this actually personal?
- what was my part in it? (did I provoke things? did I leave myself open to being triggered?)
- can I accept my feelings as my own (feelings are not created by anyone, but we can hold to them and make them injurious to ourselves and others)
- can I let my assumptions of the other go? can I remember that what they think of me is not my business?
- can I regain my internal balance and strength?
- can I open to the compassionate energy of the universe, in this very moment, in this very place?
- will I choose sanity and balance or delusion and reaction?
When we are triggered, we are neurologically panicked and do not have easy access to serenity and peace of mind. When pressured, it is far easier to reach for the cudgel than to rest in the space of balance. When we are pressured, we react and want the world to react to us. With all kindness, I must say, this is very weak. The way of warriorship is to practice meditation regularly so that we are trained to respond with the space and balance that is self-kindness. From that high vantage, we can offer the world genuine kindness. This reflexively feels better than the afflictions we place ourselves in to. When we feel better, we are better, and it matters less what anyone did or didn’t do. That’s them. They are not my business. My job is not to figure out anyone else or to blame anyone. I feel as I feel. I can own that. My primary job is to be genuine and kind. From there I can see my world.
That lofty vantage is right here on the ground. When I am not defending myself, or attacking anyone, my view is expensive. I am open to all sorts of creative alternatives. I can find creative ways to respond, creative ways to disengage, or creative ways to defend myself. I can find creative ways to protect myself and care for those I love.
Those creative alternatives come as I stop defending, turn my mind to my higher power, and listen. That love is always there. All I need to do is remember.